Here's a business tip from the Harvard Business Review: LINK to original article
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| It's you and me against the draug, regardless of how we feel about each other... (From Funcom's media library) |
A cabal (or guild) in a MMO is likely to be a wildly diverse group of people from different age groups, socioeconomic classes, and gaming backgrounds. As a cabal manager*, you aren't going to really click with all of these people. And that's normal, natural, expected, and okay. It'd be silly to think that you would be besties with everyone. However, some folks are just going to rub you the wrong way, perhaps REALLY rub you the wrong way, and when you have those negative feelings towards someone you have a duty to manage, then that can cascade into lower motivation and other suboptimal behaviors that may affect your cabal, and reflect badly on you.
So what do you do?
Option 1) /gkick. This is the easiest solution. Consider carefully if it's the best thing for you and your cabal. Talk to your officers, co-leaders, and/or veterans. If the person in question is really a jerk to everyone (or nearly everyone) and/or is bad for your cabal, then they just have to go. (If you think /gkick is your only option, more HERE on how to /gkick with dignity.) However if you're not getting along because it's "just" a personality conflict, and if this person is otherwise a good person, this will make you look like a tyrant and may deprive your cabal of someone who's otherwise useful.
Option 2) /ignore. This takes a little more work than /gkick, but a lot less work than adapting. It's certainly do-able, BUT there is awkwardness when people know they can't (or shouldn't) put the two of you in the same group or event. Plus this may lead to cliques forming within the group. It's hard on the player in question, because - wow, awkward, doesn't get along with you the cabal manager. Furthermore, it's hard on you - it becomes a constant low-level worry. We play these games for fun, so this sort of constant worry or stress is bad news. Your cabal depends on you not burning out, and this is exactly the sort of stress you don't need!
Option 3) Adapt and remediate. This solution is the focus of this post. It is, by far, the most difficult solution. It's also not always possible. Mainly because it starts with this first step.
You must, MUST take ownership of your feelings about this person.
They do not make you crazy, angry, or unhappy.
You ALLOW them to make you crazy, angry, or unhappy.
And that has to stop, right now.
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| Inferior or angry, crazy, frustrated, unhappy... (From izquotes) |
If you hear "wow, she is pissin' me off" or "that dude is making me crazy," going through your head, or, worse yet, getting typed into chat, or even worse still, said into your Vent/TS server, you have to stop it, right there. You have to be adult and mindful enough to recognize that you're doing this, stop it, and examine your feelings. When you do, try to understand WHY you are reacting like that and to understand what is causing it.
This is easy to say, and extremely hard to do. Another reason this is hard? You have to own your feelings - and the person who is aggravating does not. It's nice if they do, but you can't control their actions, you can ONLY control how you react to them. This dichotomy isn't fair, but that's the way life is. When you fully understand what behaviors, characteristics, and activities you are tempted to react negatively to, then you can start trying to remediate the problem.
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| The road ahead is steep and rocky! (From Funcom's media library.) |
Recognize that there is a problem, and that it is partially YOUR problem.
If this person is in your cabal, he or she is probably there because YOU, as a cabal manger, let them in. If they're not working out, then that's because, in part, you messed up in the recruiting process. Let that sink in. This is your fault as well, and you need to start by embracing and owning that.
The main trick to the adapt-and-remediate strategy is to improve the connection between the two of you. Sometimes, a dose of polite honesty is useful. Let the person know that you're trying to improve the relationship. "I realize that we have not communicated very well in the past, and I would like to try and change that." (Note the use of "we", which implies you are owning your shortcomings in the communication!)
You need to find a polite, rational, calm, and respectful way to state that something they do is bothering you. Some thoughts on that are here LINK, LINK, and LINK. Sometimes, this is as far as the remediation process goes. The person you're dealing with may say "oh no, I never intended it that way, that's not what I meant, I didn't realize I was doing that..." and all it takes to change the behavior you don't like is a polite mention that you don't like that behavior.
If this person makes you angry, frustrated, or uncomfortable, then spend more time with them.
That seems like exactly the opposite of what is fun, but it's necessary. You need to get to know them as a person. Recognize, it may be hard for the other party too - it's likely awkward for them knowing that they don't get along with the cabal leader! Start with small talk about safe subjects, or asking their opinion about simple, non-confrontational things. ("What do you think about the new AEGIS changes?" or "Where do you think the Ricky Pagan storyline is going next?"). You need to get used to this person's quirks so you can start adapting to them AND you need to practice listening to them seriously AND you need to get a feeling for who this person is at a personal level. No, you don't need their life's story, or TMI about their personal habits, but you do need to understand who they are. Maybe he sounds pissed off in chat all the time, but that's just how he communicates. (Think of this like the text equivalent of Bitchy Resting Face LINK, LINK.) Maybe she just won't shut up ever because she hates pauses in the conversation. You need to start looking at this person as an actual human being, and not as simply an infuriating behavior.
Find something good about this person.
Even if you have to dig, there's got to be something. (If there really is nothing good about this person, go back and consider Option 1 above.) This person's habits or ways of expressing his-or-herself might be awkward or annoying, but there has got to be some redeeming quality. Dwelling on the things that you want this person to change is focus on the negative, so balance that with consideration of what they do well. Do they lead events? Are they a great tank? Are they willing to RP with potential applicants to your cabal? Do they say the right thing in chat when chat goes off the rails? Does they have a good network of contacts? You may not ever be able to coax this person away from doing the things you dislike, so constantly reward and encourage them for doing the things you do like. The point of this is that you have created a situation where you can interact positively with this person. You've found something you can sincerely thank them for doing. This creates a new dialog between you two, one that is strongly positive. As a bonus, this shows the rest of your cabal that you are being adult and positive about the situation.
Understand what motivates the behavior you don't like.
You need to understand the root causes of the behavior you don't like. Perhaps this person is pushy,The roots of this self-destructive behavior are unlikely actually self-destructive, the person is probably trying to protect him or herself. Perhaps he or she is pushy or a "spotlight hog" because they are afraid that no one likes them. Perhaps they're disrespectful because they think they could perform some cabal function better than the person who's currently doing it. Maybe they're needy and annoying because they just want attention. A lot of these bad behaviors can stem from low self esteem and fear of failure. Pull the person aside for a private conversation about what happened. As the original article stated:
bullying, overly self-promoting, or being disrespectful.
Hopefully you'll get some honest answers in return. At that point, you have some ideas on how to encourage behavior you do like. If someone has fragile self-esteem, perhaps you need to give them a small opportunity to be the center of attention (a small RP plot or leading a PvP premade). If someone is afraid of failure, you might guide them in running a small, very-manageable event (running an elite dungeon, or a RP happy hour at the Horned God).
You can't, and perhaps shouldn't, be everyone's best friend in your cabal - however - if there is significant static between you and one of your guildmates, that's going to wear on you and your cabal. You can try to find a way to re-frame the relationship and find some positive contributions from this person. In the end, you may never be close friends, but at least you can have a good enough relationship to keep this person in your cabal and positively contributing toward it.
* Cabal manager is an inclusive term that indicates a cabal leader, a cabal officer, or a cabal veteran that is widely looked up to even without a formal leadership title.
You need to find a polite, rational, calm, and respectful way to state that something they do is bothering you. Some thoughts on that are here LINK, LINK, and LINK. Sometimes, this is as far as the remediation process goes. The person you're dealing with may say "oh no, I never intended it that way, that's not what I meant, I didn't realize I was doing that..." and all it takes to change the behavior you don't like is a polite mention that you don't like that behavior.
If this person makes you angry, frustrated, or uncomfortable, then spend more time with them.
That seems like exactly the opposite of what is fun, but it's necessary. You need to get to know them as a person. Recognize, it may be hard for the other party too - it's likely awkward for them knowing that they don't get along with the cabal leader! Start with small talk about safe subjects, or asking their opinion about simple, non-confrontational things. ("What do you think about the new AEGIS changes?" or "Where do you think the Ricky Pagan storyline is going next?"). You need to get used to this person's quirks so you can start adapting to them AND you need to practice listening to them seriously AND you need to get a feeling for who this person is at a personal level. No, you don't need their life's story, or TMI about their personal habits, but you do need to understand who they are. Maybe he sounds pissed off in chat all the time, but that's just how he communicates. (Think of this like the text equivalent of Bitchy Resting Face LINK, LINK.) Maybe she just won't shut up ever because she hates pauses in the conversation. You need to start looking at this person as an actual human being, and not as simply an infuriating behavior.
Find something good about this person.
Even if you have to dig, there's got to be something. (If there really is nothing good about this person, go back and consider Option 1 above.) This person's habits or ways of expressing his-or-herself might be awkward or annoying, but there has got to be some redeeming quality. Dwelling on the things that you want this person to change is focus on the negative, so balance that with consideration of what they do well. Do they lead events? Are they a great tank? Are they willing to RP with potential applicants to your cabal? Do they say the right thing in chat when chat goes off the rails? Does they have a good network of contacts? You may not ever be able to coax this person away from doing the things you dislike, so constantly reward and encourage them for doing the things you do like. The point of this is that you have created a situation where you can interact positively with this person. You've found something you can sincerely thank them for doing. This creates a new dialog between you two, one that is strongly positive. As a bonus, this shows the rest of your cabal that you are being adult and positive about the situation.
Understand what motivates the behavior you don't like.
You need to understand the root causes of the behavior you don't like. Perhaps this person is pushy,The roots of this self-destructive behavior are unlikely actually self-destructive, the person is probably trying to protect him or herself. Perhaps he or she is pushy or a "spotlight hog" because they are afraid that no one likes them. Perhaps they're disrespectful because they think they could perform some cabal function better than the person who's currently doing it. Maybe they're needy and annoying because they just want attention. A lot of these bad behaviors can stem from low self esteem and fear of failure. Pull the person aside for a private conversation about what happened. As the original article stated:bullying, overly self-promoting, or being disrespectful.
Dig deep. Ask open-ended questions such as“What’s going on for you?” or“What did this discussion trigger?” or“What are you concerned about?”
Hopefully you'll get some honest answers in return. At that point, you have some ideas on how to encourage behavior you do like. If someone has fragile self-esteem, perhaps you need to give them a small opportunity to be the center of attention (a small RP plot or leading a PvP premade). If someone is afraid of failure, you might guide them in running a small, very-manageable event (running an elite dungeon, or a RP happy hour at the Horned God).
You can't, and perhaps shouldn't, be everyone's best friend in your cabal - however - if there is significant static between you and one of your guildmates, that's going to wear on you and your cabal. You can try to find a way to re-frame the relationship and find some positive contributions from this person. In the end, you may never be close friends, but at least you can have a good enough relationship to keep this person in your cabal and positively contributing toward it.
* Cabal manager is an inclusive term that indicates a cabal leader, a cabal officer, or a cabal veteran that is widely looked up to even without a formal leadership title.
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