Not just for Cabal Leaders - How to handle three types of difficult conversations

Here's a business tip from the Harvard Business Review: LINK to original article

So, having spent Christmas in New Orleans, here's a langiappe article.  Langiappe is Creole for 'a little something extra' and so this is coming out midweek.

This article isn't aimed just at cabal leaders and cabal managers*, but at everyone in a cabal or guild. We all find ourselves in tense situations where OOC interpersonal conflict is occurring.  The right thing to do is to be calm, talk honestly, and work it out like adults. That's sooo much easier said than done. Here's some walkthroughs of three very difficult conversations

What if - you don't like a decision that was made...

Maybe the cabal decided that they weren't going to raid any more, or that they wanted to change how recruiting was done, or that they wanted to pursue a certain RP plotline.  This decision affects you - it was done without you getting a chance to give your input - and you REALLY disagree.  This can make ANYONE hopping mad.

However, if you start screeching you'll instantly lose any chance of changing the decision and you're going to look like a dick. You might even lose a friend over it. Walk away. Get calm. THEN, in an adult, controlled, and compassionate way, explain how you feel that the decision has negative outcomes for the entire cabal. Also, go talk to the cabal first.  You might find that others are unhappy with the decision as well. (Alternately, you may find out that you're alone in being unhappy about the decision, and that maybe it's time for you to accept it and move on.)

Most importantly, go beyond the problem.  Don't just complain that you don't like something, offer a reasonable alternative or solution.

Find a good time to go to the cabal leader or cabal manager that made the decision. You should BOTH be in a relaxed, calm, non-aggressive place, and talk to this person gently.

Bad: WTF? What do you mean we're going to start PvPing on Tuesdays instead of raiding? That's the stupidest thing I ever heard! You are a !@#$%ing idiot!

Better: I see something happening here, and I'm concerned about what this is going to do to our cabal in the long-term.  We've made a name for ourselves as a PvE group, and our membership, as a whole, is not that interested in PvP. By moving to a more PvP footing, we stand a chance of alienating our veterans. We can't lose them! What if we PvP on Thursdays, and also keep Tuesday as raid night so we can do both things?



What if - you need to make critical comments in a public forum...

If you feel like you MUST make an critical comment out in the open, then make sure you're calling it out in the right forum. In-game cabal chat, cabal website chat, and cabal forums all have different audiences (slightly) and have different "lingering" times where other people can see your comment.  Often, you are better off talking to your group from within your group website or in-game channels. Calling out your cabal on Twitter or in a public forum makes you look like a dick - so avoid that. Plus you lose social capital in the long term by being rash or mean.

This conversation can be the nightmare case, but it doesn't have to be, particularly if you're disagreeing for the best of reasons and doing so in a kind and polite way. Don't be a complainer - be a problem solver.

Bad:

My cabal runs stupid plots. I quit. #deathspiral #hivehum #tsw #blametomium
(From http://www.lemmetweetthatforyou.com/)

Better: Focus on the fact you're trying to do what you think is best for the entire group, and say so. Realize that if you have a concern, you're probably not alone. Try to feel out some of your cabalmates and see if you're alone in your concerns. You can start the conversation by focusing on a good outcome for the group.

"I really enjoy being a part of this cabal, and I want to make sure we're one of the best RP cabals out there, which is why I'm raising this concern. I know that a lot of folks think we can RP this Phoenician storyline as-is and they've worked hard to support it.  I feel very strongly that the way we're going about it is most likely going to be in conflict with the lore, now that we've seen a bit more about Phoenicians due to the Christmas event. I fear that we are going to really put off a lot of people by breaking with accepted lore.  What if we recast a few of these elements to make sure we're more in line with what's in the game? I think we could do that by..."



What if - someone in your cabal loses their cool with you...

This is one of THE most difficult conversations to have.  Anger from a cabalmate or colleague, and the verbal abuse that all-too-often goes with it, can cause a purely biological fight-or-flight reaction. Our adrenaline rises, heart rate surges, and the temptation to just "scream" right back at them via text can be nearly overwhelming.  Don't give in to mere biochemistry - keep your cool.  Let your cabalmate's words just flood past you.  The original article states "Most people reciprocate other people’s behavior. It takes discipline not to get angry in response. But it’s effective.”  By not firing back an angry salvo, YOU look like the adult in the situation, and that gives you power, and gets respect from your cabalmates (and they might take your side as the 'victim' in the verbal barrage). And the other guy looks like a real jerk.

Bad: "Just STFU you ignorant jerk."

Better: Don't cower. Don't apologize. Don't interrupt. Just let them go.  If they're so emotional that you (or they) just can't talk rationally right now, then identify the situation for what it is, disengage, and meet later to talk like adults. Do whatever you have to in order to keep your cool.

"This has gotten ugly and emotional. That's not going to get this problem solved. We both want what's best for this group, and we disagree on what that is.  Let's both walk away for now and talk about this later. Is Thursday good for you?"



Sometimes, these things happen entirely out of the blue, and they can take you by surprise It's okay to admit being surprised. Just stay neutral, and try to get the person who's lost their cool to start thinking rationally. It doesn't always work, but it's worth a try.

Save the PvP for Fusang
(From Funcom's media library)

"Hunh, wow... I'm kinda surprised by this, and I'm not entirely sure what to say. What do you think we should do next to resolve this?"


Their answer might be 'you should do what I say!', and if that's not the best course of action (in your mind) then make a date to discuss it rationally, as needed.




Other times, you've said something that caused your cabalmate to go off the rails. Sadly, this is far too easy to do in text without the body language cues needed to aid communication.  If you screwed something up, OWN IT, and apologize immediately.  If your screwup was in a public channel, you should apologize in a public channel. Just say you're sorry, and then be done with it. Don't keep explaining more than a line or two.

"I'm so sorry. I screwed it up. I meant that to be funny, and it clearly wasn't.  I apologize. I didn't want to upset you or hurt your feelings."


While these conversations are often going to still be incredibly difficult, coming at them from a broad-minded, cabal-focused point of view, and remaining calm will help you get through them. Sadly, the best way to improve your skills with these kinds of difficult conversations is actually to have these difficult conversations.  Avoiding them is just delaying them, and potentially setting up a larger argument down the road.

Just remember, stay neutral, stay calm, and focus on the big picture. You can do it.

And here are some pictures of New Orleans:

* Cabal manager is an inclusive term that indicates a cabal leader, a cabal officer, or a cabal veteran that is widely looked up to even without a formal leadership title.